Daddy Issues?

I am back with a post for the month of November. I can't believe that this year is almost over and it still feels like 2019 was last year. Anyways, today I decided to talk about something that I wouldn't normally talk about. This has been in my drafts for months because I wasn't sure how to go about it, and honestly still don't. I've had this talk with my friends but I never really went into depth with everything. When I was younger I used to wonder why some kids had dads and I didn't. It wasn't a full thought because I still had my grandpa and my godfather to look after me and eventually the man that I call my dad to this day. The crazy part for me was being an only child and wanting a sibling, getting a baby brother, and then being told that I had three older siblings that lived in the same city and state as me. I felt robbed of being able to actually hang out with them and talk to them like siblings should. The older I got the more I felt as though I was abandoned and that I wasn't put first. I was angry at myself for feeling emotions, I was angry at my dad who raised me because he wasn't my biological father, I was angry at my biological father for leaving me, and I was angry at my mom for not telling me. I didn't understand how someone could leave their baby, move across the country, and just miss out on watching them grow. It was as if it wasn't a thought in his mind and just an easy thing to do. Not knowing who my biological dad was deprived me of having the relationship I wanted with his side of the family. I felt as though I didn't belong and I didn't have the same experiences that everyone else had together, like family trips or inside jokes. Even if I said not having him in my life during the crucial parts didn't affect me, I would be lying. I wanted love from men who just wanted sex and a lot of times I got taken advantage of because I was seeking something that was missing. I never connected it to the fact that I didn't grow up with my dad in my life, but the older I got it clicked that I had "daddy issues". I would let men sexually assault me and emotionally abuse me because there wasn't anyone there to tell me that men shouldn't treat you that way. I remember asking my biological father why he left but it wasn't a straight answer and honestly the reason was based off of pure selfishness and not putting his kids first. My siblings created memories with him while I was basically left in the dust as a toddler, I wasn't old enough to have the same experiences as them. I had to really take a step back and think about my self worth and deal with the hurt inside of me in my own way. Sometimes closure never happens and you have to find a way to deal with the trauma and move past it. I wouldn't say that I have fully healed from it, because apart of me will always want to feel validated but I have learned to not let it control my life and dictate who I'll be. In the long run, it has made me a stronger person and it helped me find the love that I needed.